The last 158 status updates … I was so much funnier in my youth

Learning the Fibonacci sequence,It’s as easy as 1,1,2,3

I’ve just got some extra work answering other people’s phones. Turns out it’s not for me.

Me and my mate both love the same type of atomic bonding….How ionic.

I’ve just been diagnosed with Sausagephobia…..I feared the wurst.

I never met my grandfather…. He was bayoneted in the war, and pronounced dead on a rifle.

Just been offered a place at Edinburgh doing a postgrad in Disney studies … I’m having second thoughts though of doing that mickey mouse degree

Red stamps are a completely different class to the blue ones.

Rising numbers are on the increase.

I was reading the wikipedia article on cataracts …. It was only partially cited

”It’s not you, it’s me.”…..I hate sorting photos with my twin brother.

My 100ft snake died today…..So long…

”False information” spelled backwards is ”False information”

You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? ….That’s God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.

Must have different kinds of clock in our flat … Been watching for over an hour and mine is still going forward

I entered a Scandinavian Vegetable-Eating competition……I happily polished off all the broccoli, peas and carrots, but there was Norway I was ever gonna Finnish that Swede.

Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled……I laughed at the irony…..Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

The days of good grammar is went.

I was telling my mate last night that I made £500 by selling dog shit…..He said, ”That’s fucking gross.”….I said, ”No, that’s net.”

At any time, the temptation to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is never more than a whim away.

What gets wetter the more it dries?….A woman who really enjoys drying things.

Frozen Apples…. They’re Hardcore.

My neighbours are getting really stressed out because I keep indulging my window fetish…..I feel their pane.

A man came up to me and said, ”Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.”….I said, ”That is very annoying….”He said, ”Well I can only apologise.”

I’ve just opened a shop specialising in shelves…..They’re flying off the… Selling really well.

I had a threesome with a scalene and an isosceles…..It was a love triangle.

I used to be really good at reading braille…….But I lost my touch.

There’s no ”I” in team but there are 5 in individual brilliance.

Deleted scene from alien:”I can’t open the milk!”…”In space, no-one can. Here, use cream.”

I’ve just bought a radio alarm clock…..Who knows why the radio needs to get up early though.

I was in a wrestling match and the other guy got me in a head lock and wrote his name on my forehead…..It was his signature move

I’ve just finished building my replica of Rome out of Lego…..It only took a day.

I haven’t had sex for about 1 year, 4 months, 24 days and 56 minutes….. It doesn’t bother me though.

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage….’No thanks, I’m travelling light.’

I went into the fines office today to pay a speeding ticket, the clerk said, ”How would you like to pay your fine?”….”Cash and you’re not too bad yourself.” I replied.

I like to feed the monkeys at the zoo from a distance with a golf club…..I drive them bananas

I had a dream that there was an ocean made out of fizzy drinks……then I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

The brain is the most important organ you have…According to the brain.

Going to Mark Zuckerberg’s house to rearrange all his furniture and see how he likes it!

I ordered a load of bubble wrap off eBay today…..Just to see what it gets delivered in.

My local church needs some work doing to it, if you can help give us a bell

A large steak just drove past me…..That’s rare.

What do we want?…Bigger placards…. When do we want them?…No

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

I’ve decided to stop wearing my glasses….It makes me look harder.

People are always asking me if I can do a negative tortoise impression…..I’m going to stick my neck out and say no.

My grandad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo

Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realised that you weren’t that hungry after all?

”Always check the validity of quotes on the internet” – John Lennon

I’m about to rewrite history………History.

As my addiction to cliffhangers grew I realised that …

I saw a good looking woman walking down the street, so I gave her a wolf whistle…….”What’s that for?” she asked…….I said, ”If you see a wolf, blow on that and someone will come and rescue you.”

I’m making a show about two detectives who solve crimes over the phone…..Star Key and Hash

My boss at the Royal Mint asked me ”What are you still doing here, your shift finished an hour ago?”…I said ”Just making a bit of extra money”.

What did the letter O say to Q? ….Dude, your penis is hanging out.

What did the letter P say to R?……Mate, that’s huge

I am relieved to see Facebook finally expanded the Religion choice to include Amish, for all those Amish people out there with computers.

I was locked in a room with a PC and forced to play default Windows games the other day……..It was solitaire confinement.

If I had a pound for every time I was told that I wasted time collecting useless statistics, I’d have 637 pounds.

You should never fall asleep with your head under the pillow……You might wake up the next morning with no teeth and a mouth full of coins.

What do you call a vicar on a motorcycle? ….Rev.

I’m tired of watching my team from the sidelines…..It’s time we made a stand.

I bought a book today called ”Strange Coincidences”…..When I got home I found that I already had a copy….Weird.

Towards the end of the Jurassic Period, the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

What do you call a robot that wears shit clothes?…Optimus Primark.

I just bought a belt made out of pound coins….. What a waist of money

You’ll never see a lazy fly….They like to be on top of shit.

When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me….After a while, my mum said, ”Just use a fucking spoon. You’re not a Jedi.”

I’ve been nominated for a ‘Hairdresser of the Year’ award…..Best Newcomber.

People think that I’m Patronizing. (That means i treat them like they’re stupid.)

11:59:59 am is my favourite time of day…..It’s second to noon.

I’ve just been shoping for a blindfold, I tried on a blue one, a green one, a yellow one, a pink one, and a tartan one last of all…… I couldn’t see myself wearing any of them, really.

BREAKING NEWS – Rupert Murdoch regrets hiring David Cameron as Prime Minister.

I tried to catch some fog earlier….I mist.

Just got my exam results back, got a C in Ancient Greek….I expected Beta.

I just bought a boomerang from a poltergeist…..That’ll come back to haunt me.

Police are on the hunt for a person who has stabbed 6 people with a knitting needle in the last 24 hours …..They believe the attacker is following some kind of pattern.

I once saw a film called, ‘The man with no grave’, but it didn’t make sense……There was no plot.

the News Of The World claimed to be number 1 for news, yet there was a massive story about phone hacking in the week and they didn’t even bother to cover it.

Rupert Murdoch has said that life will go on after the New Of The World was brought to an end.Of course it will, he still has 6 horcruxes remaining…

So Harry Potter finally defeats He Who Must Not Be Named in this new film? …. It’s Ryan Giggs, isn’t it?

I got ripped off by a ticket tout last night, I thought I’d bought tickets to see the Cure, turned out he’d sold me Placebo tickets!

I’m really into large watches……Big time.

My girlfriend came home from work and found me crouched down in the wardrobe. .”What the fuck are you doing in there?” she asked…..”Narnia business” I replied.

Me and my recliner go way back.

I read that the Icelandic alphabet doesn’t have a ‘Z’ in it……How do they sleep at night?

I wrote a book about poltergeists….It flew off the shelves.

An old lady at the park said to me today, ”I see your dog’s fetching balls” … I said, ”I know he has, but at your age you shouldn’t really be looking.”

I read that when you flush a toilet in Australia, the water goes the opposite way to toilets in England………That must make one hell of a mess.

I saw an advert in the theatre for ”The Dictionary” … I thought – now that’s a play on words

28 Days Later tomorrow on Yesterday

Every time I fall off my bike it gets angry and beats me up……It’s a vicious cycle.

Just finished reading the fifth book in the ”learning to count” trilogy

Lazy fact #7548395729723….. You were too lazy to read that number.

Sky News: ‘Murray claims Queen’s title…..’Not too sure ‘Her Majesty Andy Murray’ sounds right to be honest.

I once spent one summer of my youth rolling down hills in a large tyre….That was a Goodyear.

Jeff Stelling is to leave as host of Countdown after 3 years. This has presented the producers with a bit of a drumconun.

I just took my calculator apart….. It’s what’s inside that counts

I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging or anything, but this is the fifth end of the world I’ve survived.

I tried my hand as a trainee bank robber.On our first job I wasn’t sure what to do.The boss told me to take notes.

”Watson we’ve got no toilet roll!”….”No shit Sherlock!”.

If anyone ever tells you they’ve lost their voice….They’re lying.

Me and the girlfriend have been constantly arguing about ”Eye of the Tiger” … We’re just going through a Rocky patch …

What ever happened to the first Timbuk?

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters, Perfectly harmless, until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

”You are kidding me” … Said the man i was throwing baby goats at.

No-one seems to remember the eleventh commandmen….:Thou shalt not maketh up false commandments.

Just seen a man walking down the street with no shoes on … Must have been a bit of a lost sole

BBC News: Nato strike ‘kills Gaddafi’s son’ … That must have been one hell of a game of bowling.

I gave my dad an ‘e’….Now he’s dead.

I’m in a band called The Taxpayers…We’ve been supporting Queen and Prince for years.

As they say in France, one man’s fish is another man’s poisson.

For sale: Packet of polo’s, unopened, mint condition.

I’ve just started a band called 999 Megabytes…..We haven’t done a gig yet.

My doctor has diagnosed me with mild tourettes. Blast.

The thing about Easter is, on the one hand Jesus got nailed to the cross. And on the other hand he got nailed to the cross, and his feet also.

For sale….  Modified DeLorean DMC-12.No timewasters.

I made some jelly in the shape of Barack Obama……I wanted to set a president.

This week’s Yeast Club meeting is now in session…..All rise.

I’m voting ‘yes’ in the referendum on the alternative vote….And my second preference is ‘no’.

I applied for a job at IKEA today. I had to put the application together myself.

Originally, God wanted wasps to pollinate flowers but that didn’t work so he resorted to Plan Bee

My mate told me that he played in goal for Chelsea, just incase he was lying I thought I..Petr Cech

I’m sick of my mate Adam….He walks round like he is God’s gift to women.

I’ve made myself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap…..She’s a bit clingy.

My mate had a seizure the other week and afterwards he couldn’t stop saying the number 7 over and over again in French, the doctors reckon he has a bad case of septilepsy.

I’ve been watching the golf for hours now and getting rather bored…..But it is brand new, I dont have a garage and I live in a rough area.

My mum is always having a go at me. Just yesterday she had a go at me for taking Football Manager far too seriously.”Fuck off and leave me alone, I don’t have a go at you for watching soaps and all that shit!” …  I said from my dugout at the bottom of the garden.

AltGr….For when the Alt key isn’t angry enough for you.

Never get in to an argument with a physicist about the size of the universe. It’s never ending.

I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it’s 15p.I’ve adjusted the price to allow for inflation.

PM urges ‘new beginning’ for Libya….How about Bibya?

I keep having a recurring nightmare about fruit machines, my girlfriend is really supportive and to wake me up, she just gives me a nudge…and then holds me.

Stayed up all night trying to remember if I have amnesia or insomnia.

Coalition aircraft enforcing the no-fly zone have so far destroyed 144 Libyan tanks, thus ensuring they can’t be flown.

Mistook Tippex for my liquid Viagra,woke up this morning with a massive correction.

I was walking into my local pub, when I suddenly realised it was darts night.So I did a 180, and left.

I’ve just tried to request my favourite song ”It’s All About You” on Radio Libya.They told me to fuck off….. It’s a No McFly Zone.

My mate works at an aquarium…..The screensaver on his laptop is people walking around an office filing stuff.

When cocaine wants to party, it does Charlie Sheen.

One of my classmates came into a lecture this morning shouting his head off. ”Vodka, Sambuca, Tequila!”…. I stood up and said ”Hey, I call the shots round here!”

I’m about to launch an online taxi firm.I just need to download the drivers.

I made my girlfriend a really fancy lunch yesterday. Slow baked haricot pulses in a sweet tomato jus, drizzled over a bed of grilled wholewheat dough…Or beans on toast as she called it.

I was playing catch with my brother in the park when I thought,A ball might be better

My girlfriend is weird, last week she tells me it’s ok if have a tattoo, today she is complaining about all the bagpipers in the garden

What happens if you put a stick in a non-stick pan?

The road outside my house is haunted by the ghost of a chicken.Apparently, it couldn’t get to the Other Side.

I bought a litre of Tipex today. Big mistake.

I’ve been working on producing a 4D film for years now, but I just haven’t got the time.

I’ve got a serious heroine problem. I’m tryin to take over the world and Wonder Woman keeps gettin in the fuckin way.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub….. The landlord says, ”I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

I’ve just finished building Rome with my brothers Lego.Took me a day.

I’m writing a comic about a group of religious superheroes………..A-Men

Got arrested for throwing biscuits in peoples beverages randomly……I was dunking disorderly.

I’m not a cross dresser….Unless my belt doesn’t shut, then I get really angry.

I went to Poland once. It was the worst of the Teletubby themed amusement parks.

I just did my best Sean Connery impression to my dad.He replied with a very impressive impersonation of Roger Moore….That’s father and son Bonding.

I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a loaf of bread….. The birds were all over me.

Ever wondered how animals think?Camel: Who’s dumped that fucker on my back?Giraffe: Hope I don’t get a sore throat.Hyena: That is so frigging funny.Monkey: Want to buy a car aerial or wing mirror?Crocodile: I’m just a log, nothing to worry about.Elephant: Does my bum look big in this?Cheetah: These new trainers are brilliant.Polar Bear: This is fucking mint.Snake: I won’t put student fees up. Trust me.

The Simple Things

There are moments in life when we truly question our purpose, our achievements so far and ultimately our being. The first time this happened to me was when I was about ten years old. It was night time and I had this sudden realisation that life was finite and that one day for whatever reason I would no longer exist. I didn’t sleep too well that night but I remember from then on in I had a revitalised purpose in life. The purpose was to change the world for the better in whatever way my talents would allow me to. I wasn’t sure how I would go about it but I knew that the end result would be that people would be a little bit happier.

Early on Saturday morning my granny unexpectedly passed away. She was quite old and frail but it still came as a complete shock. She was the last of my biological grandparents and in my eyes the final person in that generation of my close family. Death itself doesn’t bother me however the significance of the death of my granny has already had resounding implications on the views of the work that I am doing and will go on to do. It has caused me to ask one of those same questions I left unanswered as a ten year old, “What will happen after I am gone?”

It’s a curious question and one that I rationalised at the time with the response of, “who cares?”  As I have got older I have come to the realisation that in death we can have as much of an impact on those around us as we do in life. Just because you are no longer around does not mean that work of your life is suddenly buried and forgotten. Far from it, in death you can have a much greater impact on the lives of others. Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa and Adolf Hitler are to name but a few whose deaths have positively influenced the world around them. For me this is something that is very important to bear in mind, the mark that I will leave on others during my lifetime will ultimately affect the influence I have with positively changing the world in death.

In life my granny taught me diligence, patience and understanding. In death she has taught me to strive for success and in doing this take everyone around me along with me. In addition to this I now have a greater appreciation for the influence that actions we undertake will have on those around us. The smallest things can have the most profound impact on the lives of others, for better and for worse.

Life is one of the most precious things in the world and should never be taken for granted. What you do with yours will inevitably determine and influence the life of so many people around you. So whatever you do, always try to influence those around you for the better and not for the worst. In doing this well you will play a part in ensuring that we all attain our full potential in this life.

I would like to finish off with one quote that for me epitomises an excellent attitude to life and the route you take through it;

“Do not be upset because it is over, smile because it happened”